dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
