Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
