I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
