i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
