Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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