I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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