Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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