I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.