Texts From Last Night

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  (310): View more from California

  im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon

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  (310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon http://tfl.nu/qfy4
  Replies (21) Good night (670) Bad night (1574)
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.

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  (321): On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/bm31
  Replies (9) Good night (4206) Bad night (607)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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  (407): Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything." http://tfl.nu/1ue8
  Replies (35) Good night (17402) Bad night (997)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.

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  (414): My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday. http://tfl.nu/h79n
  Replies (10) Good night (4285) Bad night (1066)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
  Replies (65) Good night (28581) Bad night (2131)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?

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  (250): You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you? http://tfl.nu/8g3a
  Replies (9) Good night (2779) Bad night (1120)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?

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  (503): bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing? http://tfl.nu/vn0z
  Replies (1) Good night (1770) Bad night (788)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..

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  (520): He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car.. http://tfl.nu/pywi
  Replies (14) Good night (2772) Bad night (1205)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.

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  (817): Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24. http://tfl.nu/4goe
  Replies (5) Good night (1485) Bad night (794)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation

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  (520): Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation http://tfl.nu/bc5i
  Replies (1) Good night (1148) Bad night (553)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo

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  (703): The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo http://tfl.nu/r2ud
  Replies (4) Good night (805) Bad night (448)
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.

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  (778): I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/uqop
  Replies (6) Good night (510) Bad night (1091)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.

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  (314): Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit. http://tfl.nu/r9h5
  Replies (1) Good night (556) Bad night (343)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...

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  (704): So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around... http://tfl.nu/dav9
  Replies (0) Good night (713) Bad night (283)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago

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  (440): Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago http://tfl.nu/7mtt
  Replies (0) Good night (433) Bad night (449)

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