I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just invented taco cereal.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
