apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is Oprah even human
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
