I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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