i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
