yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
