so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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