FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
