Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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