You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
