Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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