she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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