He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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