I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
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Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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