Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
