At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
