I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
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She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.