At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"