How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
