The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
