Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
All the doctor said was why
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
