you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
you never un-have a 4some
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
