I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
