She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
