If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
