with your own penis?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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