I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We need a shit load of segways right now
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
