I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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