I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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