i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
