I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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