i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
