apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
