is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Drunk is a universal language darling
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