I'm going to jail i love you
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
