my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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