her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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