I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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