Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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