I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
