He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
