Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
