I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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