bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
