So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
