Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
