please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
