so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
