Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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