Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
