I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
