You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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