If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I didn't notice because vodka
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
