How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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