She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
